Yeyyyy... its back... the Joke thread!!

Little Johnny

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.

'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny.

'Giving up?'

Fay

Hehe.... glad you like it


Explanation of Microsoft computer messages

It says: "Press Any Key"

It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."
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It says: "Press A Key"

(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)
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It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error

no. 1A4-2546512430E" It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."
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It says: "Installing program to C:\...."

It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."
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It says: "Please insert disk 11"

It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."
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It says: "Not enough memory"

It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K."
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It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."

It means: "... However, if you put the CD in correct side up..."
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It says: "Please Wait...."

It means: "... Indefinitely."
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It says: "Directory does not exist...."

It means: ".... any more. Whoops."
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It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."

It means: ".... Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."
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Those are so true!

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Youth is a malady of which one becomes cured a little every day.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.

To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I’ve done it a thousand times.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Love your enemies. It makes them sooo mad!

Harry Dunn lived with his mother in Ireland and was always bugging her to let him go the U.S.A. Finally she said he could go if he promised to write her every week to let her know how he was doing, He said he would , so off he went down to the docks.

Well she received letters each week telling her how he arrived in New York, how he had found an apartment, found a job, and had met Betty the girl in the office. He said he was so happy and that he and Betty were getting married. They had moved to Connecticut in a lovely little white house, and Betty was pregnant. Then the letters stopped.....

She was so worried she didn’t know what to do. She heard that one of the local lads was going over and she made her way to the pier. She found him and asked him if he knew her son Harry Dunn, he said he did not. She told him what had happened and asks him to look up Harry and tell him to write. He promised her he would at any cost.

Upon arriving in N.Y. he hailed a taxi, and told the cabby to take him to Connecticut (not realizing how big the USA was.) The cabby said that is quite a ways from here and quite costly. No problem I have to deliver a message for an old lady in Ireland. “Do you know Harry Dunn? He asked the cabby. “No I don’t think so” the cabby replied. The lad told the cabby that he lived in a little white house in Connecticut. So the cabby said when we get over the line I will pull into a station and you can ask the attendant if he knows you friend Harry Dunn.

So when they crossed over into Connecticut the cabby pulled into a little country service station. The boy jumped out as the attendant was coming to the car. The boy asked the attendant if he knew Harry Dunn and he said no. Where is the little white house? The attendant pointed and said right behind the station down that path, so the boy trotted down the path to the little white house (Privy-john)

He jerked the door open and there stood a man zipping up his pants “Are you Dunn?” asked the lad. Yes I’m done replied the man. “I have a message for you.”

‘What is the message” asked the man. “Write to your mother, she is worried sick over you.”

Samantha,

I liked that one a lot! DUNN!!!!!!!!!

Glad you like that one Ruth... my sister throw the pillow at me when I read it to her

Here is another one:

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?

‘Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

That one is funny too!

Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?' Margaret looked up and exclaimed,

'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

Mr Johnson had waited all month for the opening day of ice fishing. He watched the weather and made frequent trips to his favorite lake to check the ice condition. Now the day was here and it couldn't be more perfect. The ice was thick enough to support him and the sky was clear with just the right bite in the morning air.

He walked onto the ice and went straight to a spot that he had searched out from his boat before the ice had set in for the winter. He knew the terrain of the bottom and where the weed bed ended. All indicators lead him to believe that this spot would produce the most and largest fish of anywhere in the lake.

He settled in with his equipment and drilled a good size hole in the ice. He didn't want to have his experience diminished by not having a large enough hole to land a monster fish if he should get his wish for the day. He had all the best equipment and had checked it thoroughly in the preceeding days of anticipation. Finally, he baited up his hook and dropped the line quietly into the water, settling in to wait for his first bite.

An hour later he was still waiting. The second hour passed with the same results. Mr Johnson was beginning to wonder what could be wrong with his plans and was rechecking his line set up to make sure he hadn't made an error in his haste to begin fishing. Nope, everything was fine. Just no fish.

A few minutes into the third hour, a small boy made his way onto the ice and set up a few yards from Mr Johnson. He appeared to be about 8 yrs old and was carrying the minimum amount of equipment. A small stool, a cane pole, and an ice drill were the extent of his preparations. He set down the pole and stool and managed to work the hand drill to penetrate the ice. Mr Johnson watched in amusement, as he knew the spot the boy picked was barren of vegitation and too shallow from his scouting of the lake. Nonetheless, the boy finally got his line in the water.

The boy had no more than sat down on the stool to wait when the cane pole began jumping. A short tussle later the boy was pulling a 3 lb largemouth bass through the ice. He unhooked the bass and got his line back into the water just as Mr Johnson was smiling over the boys stroke of luck, thinking what a fluke that the boy would land a nice fish so quickly when he had been sitting 2&1/2 hrs without a bite.

The boy no more than sat down again when his cane pole repeated it's earlier twitching and the boy jumped up to pull out another bass, this one even larger than the first. Mr Johnson now knew that something was up. This couldn't be just the luck of youth. Very shortly this was even more obvious as the boy hauled in his third nice fish in less than a 1/2 hr. Mr Johnson couldn't take being silent any longer and approached the boy.

Mr Johnson: "Those are some nice fish you have there."

Little boy" Mmum."

Mr Johnson: "You must have some secret to ice fishing that I don't know. I've been here going on 3 hrs and haven't had a bite."

Little boy: "Mmum."

Mr Johnson: "I'll give you $20 to share your secret with me. Does that sound like a good deal?"

Little boy: "Shr msr, ya goot klp thh wrs wm."

Mr Johnson: "I didn't catch that. Do you have a speach impediment?"

The little boy bent over slightly and spat something into his hand before responding to Mr Johnson's inquiry.

Little boy: "Nope, nothing wrong with my speech. I said, ------------
you gotta keep the worms warm!"

Samantha,

Keith, YUCK!!, but

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why, of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks,"Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," says the second.

Curious the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."

"Of course." The second man can't help himself so he asks,

"What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62"

"This is becoming unbelievable!" they say in union.

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

I didn't see that coming at all!

I love your new avatar!

ruthsollid wrote:

I didn't see that coming at all!

I love your new avatar!

Thanks. Except for a minor weight difference, that's me.

Awww!!! So cute!

That cat pic is so cute!

ok... I got another one

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A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite lolly and M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

pepperpot wrote:

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

What???-------------- Sorry, I wasn't listening.

OH NO, I got it wrong too

Now if she would have said
I would like to be AN eight again
instead of just
I would like to be eight again
I would have taken it differently.


Oh well,

Fay

Nothing escapes you Fay...